I’ve noticed that my recent entries on my tumblr have been very very emo. I look through my blog and even I’m not interested at what I had to say. It’s so boring and whiney, it’s not even a creative outlet anymore. I used to love making up little cupcake poems, now I don’t do them anymore. People say that teenage angst is the best creative outlet, but I think that being unhappy stunts everything I define as me.
I am myself when I am my most happiest. HAPPINESS, WHERE ARE YOUU. Content is not good enough. I want Happiness.
Today I saw Him. I had dressed up today, living to up to my “Look good, feel good” mantra today for my midterm, and I saw Him. He did not see me. I feel as though my efforts have been wasted. The cherry on top this bitter sweet day was when I turned around for one last look, I heard a “Hey!” and there she was- a tall, blonde, skinny girl. The exact definition of societies perception of beauty.
I wait for the day where I can light up someones day by just saying Hi. Where all I have to do is exsist, and thier face lights up, thier voice moves up an octave higher, and they smile a genuine smile- all from only being near them.
I love how I am a helpless romantic. I hate how I am such a helpless romantic.
Nothing is going my way. I am doign awful in school. My petition for Physics did not go through. I currently have a C in it, and I am not doing well in Econ, or Psych. I don’t know about Bio Sci though. I got a pretty good B on the midterm, but THATS NOT GOOD ENOUGH. This quarter is not like last quater. I wish I had straight A’s for the rest of my college career. After achieving that, its hard to accept anything less. Too bad I can’t do it.
Economy is not what I want to do. But fuck. I can’t do anything about it.
I have done something bad, I have done somehting that I am not proud of. I have done something that I wish I had not ever done. I am such a bad person. These are the repercussion. A heart that feels like it has been torn in half and a heart that has been stomped on.
I can’t do this anymore. It hurts to much when you do this to me.
I was fiddling around on facebook and I decided to change my Relationship Status from “Single” to a blank option that was offered. MQ and I are not bf/gf but definately exclusive. We’re dating each other.
When we had our two hour talk in the rain I deicded to test how he would react if I asked him what I meant by ‘you can talk to guys’. I asked him if he meant I can “talk, talk, to guys”? He sat there, holding my hand going ..uuuuuuuuuuhhh. LOL. Good response MQ. Thats exactly what I wanted to know- whether or not you wanted me, and only me. No sharing.
Anyhow, back to facebook. I was on, and I posted a cute animal picture on his wall (typical), and I decided to see what his info said.
The only thing that saved me was the fact that his info box on this profile page didnt say anything. I feel like I’m rambling…. but oh well. I understand what I’m saying.
I have gone to the gym for the past four days. All in a row. Going to the gym isn’t as bad as you think. It close and the after effect are wonderous. I went tonight with Kiy after our night of indulgence and she told me that if you MASSAGE your cellulite spots, it’ll even out!! I WANT TO DO THAT!
My next goal: going to the ARC and checking out if they have foam things that Kiy was talking about to aid the massaging of cellulite parts. Pilates too.
I just got back from my 1:40 pm interview and I DOMINATED!!! I’m so HAPPYY!! Yo, Head of Middle Earth, shook my hand TWICE! I left my interview with such high confidence and so happy! I had a lot of fun doing this interview. I felt like I had great answers and even if I don’t get this, this was a a great experience.
This morning I woke up. I took a shower, which is a BIG deal for me since I hardly ever shower in the morning now, and woke up to a text from R. CLASS HAS BEEN CANCELLED AND OUR MIDTERM HAS BEEN POSTPONED FOR A WEEK!! YAYYY. Never before has this happened to me! It’s usually me, who decides that I will not be attending class. Now here, the professor is telling me that I don’t have to go!
I can’t wait for the rest of today to start. I do have a Interim quiz today but after that, I’m off to watch Valentine’s Day with H. I am so ready to reward myself! And tmmrw is my Valentine’s (belated) date with MQ. The anticipation is thrilling.
But other than that, I have had a quite productive morning (sans studying). I did to online surveys for extra credit for class, watched some Olympic coverage on NBC, and got to browse the internet. Heehee.
Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They’ll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.
(Reading this gave me goosebumps, because I had a conversation with a friend of mine and we concluded that I don’t allow people to get to know me so well. I’m more of a surface person, until I choose not to be. And I will admit, there are very few people I am truely myself around)
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are not looking merely for a girl/boyfriend - you are looking for your life partner. Perhaps you should be more open-minded about who you spend time with. The person you are looking for might hide their charm under their exterior.
(So true. I will never say I Love You until I know I want to spend the rest of my life with them. And being gf/bf is wayy to intense for me)
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.
The seriousness of your love:
Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.
(Where are all my dates? Lol.)
Your views on education
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as
The right job for you:
You’re a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you’ll be set for life.
(I guess so. But find a job I would love to do for the trest of my life seems more important right now.)
How do you view success:
Success in your career is not the most important thing in life. You are content with what you have and think that being with someone you love is more than spending all of your precious time just working.
100% true. I can’t wait til the day comes where I can be a Mom and Wife.
What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don’t ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.
(This is worded really oddly. I want to rely, yet I am independent? I agree with the very first sentence. I fear the day that comes where my brother has no time for me.)
Who is your true self:
You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.
I got a call back for Individual Interviews of RA of Freshman Dorms, and CA for the On-Campus housing! IM SO HAPPY!! And to top it off, I had some BOMB ramen for lunch AND I’ll be going on my very first semi-spontaneous ROAD TRIP TO NORCAL!!
Today I saw my Spopper. I had asked him if he had applied for SPOP. He said unfortunately no. No one had kept him updated, and he missed the deadline. I assured him that its okay! You have many years.
He bows his head, swings his foot around and says, well, next year will be my lats year here. HE IS A FRESHMAN WITH JR STANDING. OMG SO SMARTTTT. But he reassured me that he was going to apply next year, and I plan on reminding. He would be a great staffer.
ALSO while we were talking, I met, cooed, and petting the cutest little puppy named Conan. Such sharp teeth of a little baby. He had the biggest eyes and a creamy color. I was torn between cuteness and spopper. LOL. I wish I had a camera phone. I would have uploaded that picture in a heart beat!
You know its the worst day ever if I blog more than twice a day. This has been a shiteous past two day. I got a midterm grade back, and it was awful. I mean, I knew I did not do so well, but I didn’t except to do so under par. I saw MQ today. We went to BCD, and I have realized that I notice how people eat. And I have noticed that the past two guys that I have liked hunch over thier food, eat incredibly fast (that would be considered rude) all the while shoveling it in thier mouths. Please. Take your time and enojy. The waitresses are going to take your food away anytime soon. I wouldn’t let him hold my hand (kept them tucked snuggly in my coat pockets) and I didn’t kiss him goodbye (I did hug him though, and thanked him for lunch). But I don’t know, how I acted with him would be exactly how I would act with a friend.
It was so easy.
Does that mean that I’m willing to be only friends? We’ll see what happens.
This morning I had the hardest time getting up. I was constantly pressing the snooze button and just couldn’t seem to rouse myself.
I had spent the night last night, in tears. Tears that rolled down my face, tears that made me sob, tears that made my voice catch.
"Hey, please don’t get mad when I tell you this, but I called Sarah today because I thought it was her birthday."
It not that you called her, I’m so proud that you did, but everything always comes back to Sarah. Everything. You really shouldn’t carry things over from the past. It’s just not fair to me- it hurts. It hurts me so much when you talk about her. You always bring her up. You say how much you hate her, but why bother telling me? Or even harboring such hate? Forget the past and think of me. Let go, and stop letting her effect you so much. Ironic because it was His birthday this week too. But I didn’t say anything. Nothing needed to be said. It was no big deal.
And when you tell me not to get mad at you… that is just NOT the right way to tell me something. You put into my head that I will would get mad at you. You placed upon me an emotion- an assumption. Tell me, and let me tell you how I feel. “Hey, I have something to tell you” or well, I can’t really think of anything else right now, but yeah. You catch my drift.
I know today is Tuesday, but I don’t really want to face you just yet. I’m not as strong as you think. I don’t think I am the right person to like. Or if I am capable to like at all.
My cheeks and eyes are swollen, and I want no one to see. Especially you.
It never ceases to amaze me how cold you seem to me. You were my friend first and now, all of a sudden I was brushed to the side. I understand that she is so much funnier, cooler, and warmer. But I stopped initating for a reason. You were always here anyways because she called you. Then you started calling her- the middle woman was no longer needed. You starting only hanging out with her, calling her. A constant reminder of how close we aren’t and never were. I don’t really know what I feel, but I know that if it weren’t for me you never would have met her. I wish you weren’t going.
I ordered a steak burrito online, and ended up wanting to void my payment and order. Too bad there wasn’t a option to do so. I called in and waited 20 mins for the employeer to work out my situation. She never called back.
Apprently she called back, the wrong number of course, but luckily it was voided.
When ever I call in, I always feel so mature. My tone of voice is confident, my lexcion sounds more sophisticated, I am assertive in what I want. I had called in to an insurance company once, and MQ was there. As soon as I got off, he turns and says to me, Well hello there Ms Sophisticated. Why did I feel like that was such a complement when it was said almost like a mockery? Meh, OH WELL.
I heard once that the best way to get over soneon is by indifference. You mentally block them from your mind, not talk to you friends about them, and overall just stop thinking about them.
I had woken up this morning, studied, then turned on my computer and did my Sunday morning Facbooking. I stumbled across Angels pictures. Colin had had a birthday and omg, he is so cute. If anything, thet click is the cutest clique- so elegant, beautiful and talented. Then I stumbled upon pictures of a korean- shirtless, wearing only a bow-tie and suspenders. I had forgetten that Saturday night was M birthday party.
That was in event that I was NOT suprised that I wasn’t invited to. Suprise, suprise, L was invited but hmm she’s affliated, so she was roll with lots of girls. I don’t know. Did I feel indifference when I saw those pictures? Was I ever conscious that I had spent Saturday night with MQ and not at M’s birthday party? No, it had completely blown over my mind. I had forgotten. Why do I care? No, why don’t I feel anything?
I care because in those pictures were many people whom I adore. Who I call friends. I was not there, and it always is a little blow to the chest when I miss out on something. Well, its not like everyone was there, but K and I were there. MHa, whom I used to adore, and a chokeful of SigEps who I no longer talk to. (I have concluded I need to show face more. I’m losing all my social ties!) Also, little Um was there. I think I hate the fact that I know she hates me. Well, she obligated to hate me. I mean, I hate Lisa, and I’m sure I don’t really even need too. Knowing that someone doesn’t like you sucks, but she is one instance that I understand and can’t so anything about it. Last night K had drunk Facebooked me telling me “imu”. I miss you too, but I can’t hang out with you becaue you remind me of him. I dont want to make you choose, but hmmm is it in my nature to make people choose? I think I feel more secure when I do. But with them I have not. I am maturing?