i know for damn sure that i’m a relationship person. i just can’t help it, as much as i try. though many might view me as distant and even scathing at times, if i care, then i really fucking care. any time i’ve liked someone, no matter how long or to what extent, i imagine this bubble that…
my exact fears and thoughts… but said more eloquently.
Sucks how in one instant your night can be ruined. How seeing one thing can make your heart burst in pain. You glance over, and there it is. The one thing that really gets at you. No matter how amazing your day was, and how many laughs came with it, in an instant you hurt. Insecurities come bombarding left and right. You can’t stop them, you can’t think rationally. They come one after another, no mercy.
All I can really say it that it hurts so much. I just want it to stop.
I was all of a sudden hit by an insecurity that has never hit me before. I realized that the people I hang out with are more on the confident side. They are not incredibly feminine with the frills, and the lace, and the pearls (unless situation calls for them). They are down to earth with basic jeans, cool vintage tops, and one of a kind kicks. Not that I’m judging, or not that it matters. Well acutally, I don’t know why I brought up girls. What I really want to talk about are guys.
Guys that I usually get along with are down to earth, basic jeans and basic bottoms. They are outdoorsy and all and all are guys. I wonder if my sudden excessive girly behavior makes them not attracted to me. I look back and I really have no idea where most of my mannerisms came from. I had started the hand-under-chin when I first started hanging out with EGreen. She is the most petite little thing you’d have ever met. Yet fierce at the same time. I remember S coining her as fiesty. Thats attractive to the male species.
If I were a guy, a goody too shoes who was way girly would not be my type at all. I would roll my eyes, and hit up someone who would want to hit the trails with me. But then again, its not like there are any trails here in Irvine. So is that what I have turned to? An excessively girly girl, mannerisms and all? From talking to guys recently, its hott when a girl drives stick shift. Its hott when a girl skates. Or plays the guitar. Pretty much, it’s being a guys girl (or thats how I see it).
I realized that being here in Irvine, I have a facade. A facade that I am always this bubbly, hyper, cuteoverload girl. Yes, that is me, but I also have a chill me. Only a couple of people have really gotten to know me, to know that she does exsist (or caught me at a moment of exhasution). H had hold me countless of times how different I am when I’m at home. I’m more relaxed, more chill, more … me.
Is it my unwillingness to open? My insecurity to be seen as “boring”? I have fear of being boring. When I am chill, I am boring. I don’t talk as much, and I’m really quiet. I just want to soak up companionship without the constant babble. But being here in Irvine, I’m not as close to people as I am at home.
I keep saying “being here in Irvine”. That is my barrier. I need to somehow find a way to break down that wall, and really let out all aspects and quailties that make me who I am known to everyone, everybody.
At home I used to think that being hyper and letting loose was people getting to know me better, but flipping it around. When people know me and hang out with me in my chill element, then they’ve really gotten to know me.
I’ve jumped topics from boys to me, but meh. It’s really because I’m tkaing breaks to speak aloud what my newest thought is and discussing it with H. Oh well. Haha, I’ll think more about it later.
Food is an amzaing link between the human relationships I hold. The friendships, the relationships, the happiness-ships? Haha, this past week has been full of lunches, dinners, and breakfastes with people I just met, people I’ve known since freshmen year, or just over the summer.
Sitting down and eating food that you both are excited to eat is such an, I dont want to say intimate, but you catch my drift. You show up, you sit down. You read the menu, you order, then you talk as you wait. You talk, you share, you laugh, you open up. I have always known that eating with someone is a great way to get to know someone, but I realized its the fact that youre putting aside time to hang out with that person makes it special. I don’t know, meals are not only important for the well-being of your body, but its good for you soul. Your happiness.
I was just on Facebook, looking at some old La Salle High School pictures. And I knew some of the girls who were on swim with me, and there it was. The blue washed ‘06-‘07 girls swim sweater. I had lost mine at the Long Beach City College swim meet, and the very next week, Allison all of a sudden had a sweater. The whole season I never saw her wear the team sweater until I lost mine. Coincidence? I think not. I vaugely remember asking her if it was my sweater, of course she said no. Do I believe her? To this day no. You know that feeling when you get upset, and your chest has the unplesant boiling feeling? That was what I felt when I saw that sweater. All my emotions came flooding back. The only reason why I feel so upset about the loss of that sweater is, not only did I pay for it, it is a momento of swimming. What I had gone through, and the cold that I had to endure. UGH. I WANT IT. I want to wear that crew neck sweater with classic white letters. UGHH
It really has been quite a while since I’ve written something. Actually, I probably had written something a couple of days ago, but I am so used to writing at least one entry a day on my tumblr!
This weekend has been a very good weekend. It was jammed packed with things, but one thing it really lacked was studying. Oh dear. I’m hoping to catch up tonight, but it doesnt seem like I will. I’m kinda loving my down time right now :)
I just realized I’m not as willing to share on this tumblr as I used to be. Is it becasue I’ve been talking so much about what is on my mind? Or the fact that I know people are reading it now? HMmmm
Families. After going out tonight and meeting all sorts of people, it gave me a little taste of greek life. To have family lines left and right. Aunts, Uncles, twins, cousins. It seemed endless.
Someday I hope to have my own family. And as of now, with my limited experiences, I really would like a family through SPOP or my own biological family. The one that I will produce in the future, haha.
Today was a pretty exhausting day though. But productive nonetheless. I got things done. I bought boba in support of my alpha class, I got a wrist band on campus, won a battle and was victoriuos in getting a parking spot at the student center, and signed up for an interview with ASUCI. I had an wonderfully relaxing picnic with my new future roomates with cheese and apples, cheez-its, melons, and doritios. We flew a kite and blew some bubbles. It was really sweet because how they interacted with each other and I thought I had a close relationshop with my roomates? They are even close. Skinship, as Kathy coined it. It was hilarious listening to them talk, and it was nice to be an oberservor today, seeing how I was so exhausted from my morning activities of shopping with C. I also went out tonight with C! I feel as though it was been too long! I hung out with some freshmen who did NOT seem like freshmen at all! So surreal because next year I’m going to be a THIRD year. Eeek! JLee als bought me a hot dog, haha. A hot dog with ketchup and sweet grilled onions piled on top. It’s so nice to see royals. The sense of familiarity, family, comfort. It will always be there and I am so happy for that. I also was put into perspective the great people in my life tonight. K, the best big bro I could have ever hoped for. Always looking out for me, and just all around so amazing. I love him dearly, and I am so sad to see him go next year. NOooo, don’t leave meeeeeeeeeeeee.
Anyhow, I am exhausted and about to knock out right on top of my computer. For now I shall say au revior!
I remember seeing this article when I went home over winterbreak. Nature is such an amazing thing. My father’s library is full of National Geographic magazines and they are so much fun to flip through. My childhood consisted of flipping through magazines, never reading the articles, but just looking at all the pictures. Now that I think of it, National Geographic was a big part of my life. In my grade school art classes, we would clip out pictures and make collages (I did ALOT of those at Gooden). And I would watch the National Geographic channel with my family growing up- dramatic music, narration, and everthing!
This struck a homesick cord within me when I stumbled across this picture. Someday, those magazines will be mine, and maybe my kids will have an interest them just like I did.
Last night was the most realistic dream. Real in a sense where there was nothing surreal in it, there were no dancing fields of flowers, or hills full of majestic horses.
My dream consisted of shopping malls, cars, and parking stuctures. OOoooooh, the more I write this out, the more I’m analyzing this. I’m getting ahead of myself! AHHHH, fingers catch up! But anyhow, I guess you can say the main character of the dream, besides myself was A. It starts off at a shopping complex. Similar to the outdoor Bamboo Plaza in Chinatown. Little hole in the wall shops and lots of boba everywhere. There were friends there, thier names are on the tip of my tongue, but I can’t remeber who they were. Most likely my pledge bros. Anyhow, as a ‘parent’, A had to be there and we were all goofing off and having a ball. I walked by the empty shops.
Transport: me and A in a car. We’re following everyone else to go another shopping complex. And it looks like the drive when you pass that one accounting firm on the way to the Marriott. Up a hill, industrial buildings to out left, and a jetty full of boats in front of us. As we’re driving, I ask A if he’s dating someone, as if we’re already dating and on out first date (but we weren’t). Ambiguous answer on his side, most likely because I don’t know in real life whether or not he is. As we drive up the parking structure, I see B driving a green convertible. He’s driving the oppostie direction, and he sneezes into a tissue. Significance? I have no idea. Anyhow, my arm is on the arm rest, I notice that A’s hand on the gear is really close to mine, and that the whole time he had one finger slightly grazing/resting on my arm. THe whole way? I’m not sure, but dream me was ECSTATIC. “You’re really warm” says A. I agree with him and continue on telling him that in the summer my skin is cool, and ‘brag’ how my body is meant for summer time. I can cool down easy, I love to swim, my liver loves me and in my blunt dream-self honesty, I admit that my body wasnt biniki worthy though. Interesting that I would say that in my draem because I would never mention that in real life. Important? maybe.
THEN. Shit gets real nasty. It’s like a parking floor full of people, like during dance practices. But its full of ppl all sorts of ages. Young teens, teens, and young adult. Permiscuous things are going on and I’m sitting there gaping. What is going on? I turn and say to A, my innoncent eyes are NOT used to this. BAM, all of a sudden this motor cycle that was sitting there starts flashing those scary police lights and everyone scrambles away and peel away in their respective cars, The Fast and the Furious status.
Then my phone vibrates from a tweet and I wake up.
BUT to say, I have no regrets. Plegding for Sigma Psi Lambda was quite the experience. It helped me learn that I really can get through anything, and only reinforced the known fact about myself. The fact that when I don’t really have my heart in anything, I don’t try at all. I half-ass it. Haha. Well, and without it, I never would have met the people I met. So driven, so different. It;s hard to explain. I sit here, in a jumble of mixed feelings. I am so relieved that I now have no commitments, be home with my roommates, and just focus on me. But I wonder what would have been on the other side. What I woudl have done, who I could have gotten to get close to. And not gonna lie, I’m going to miss having A and A around. So cute! They’re so different on so many levels. But it comes down to this, they are both amazing guys. They are invovled in such great things- giving back thourhg community service, and all around nice. I adore nice. I am vulnerable to weak. I fantasize daily what it would be like being with them. To have them to look after me. Heehee.
I have so much to say, but I guess I’m not in the mood to really write it all out right now. I wish I had done this along the way. Oh tumblr, how I’ve missed you so.
BUT GREAT NEWS! I got the REACH peer facilitator position at the Cross Cultural Center on camous! As the saying goes, When one door closes, another door opens.
I thought things were going along well. I could see her wall and everthing. But now I can’t. I’m blocked again. I think it was because I mean tweeted her. Sigh, oh petty me. I care.. but not really.
This is why I should learn self censorship and realize that not all things are private. That I shouldn’t expect anything I put on the internet to remain a secret even if I’m not following her. I mean, this is the public cyber world I’m talking about.
I hate when I get caught. Especially when I get caught being a biotch (or so I think I got caught… the not knowing is killer). I apologize.
I realized that I am the worst person to prioritize. I am so lazy, and I don’t want to do anything. Once I’m in the mood to be productive, I will be productive. But once I hit that brick wall, there is no going around it. I will be lazy and unproductive for as long as it takes. I have so much to do and accomplish this weekend, yet, I do nothing about it. I don’t take charge and finish up what could be done ahead of time. Sigh.
I have to write this research paper, and my hairs stand on end thinking about it. I think its becuase I’m so exhausted and I would rather sleep right now, than read articles and try to sound acedemic in my paper.
Other than that though. I had a really good day! I spent pratically my whole day with JennK- lunch, vendor fair, REACH, Spectrum, and Albatros. While doing all of this, I was exhausted. Mentally and physically. I wonder if it was becuase I had not made the transition from home to Irvine, but I was in my funk mood. I was uncharacteristically blunt and assertive. I don’t know. I feel a little guilty. I never really like it when someone sees my upset/irate/tired/blunt side. Is it vulnerability? Or is my want of always maintaining that particular perception of me? I’m not sure which it is, but its always weird when you allow someone to see that 2nd side of you.
and YES, I am a firm believer of people having two sides. I have yet to get H to understand that not everyone is able to portray thier true personality at first bat. I feel like I would be a prime example, but she still won’t awknowlegde it.
Sleeping In on a Rainy Day – As the rain beats lightly against the window, you nestle your head deeper into your pillow. The sound is soothing and your bed feels like a sanctuary. There is no place you would rather be.
Finding Money You Didn’t Know You Had – You reach into your pocket and find a $20 bill from the last time you wore these jeans. You aren’t rich, but you are richer than you were a second earlier.
Making Brief Eye Contact with Someone of the Opposite Sex – You pass him on the street or in the subway. He glances up at you momentarily, making direct eye contact in a way that seems to communicate a subtle curiosity. For a split second it makes you think… and then it’s gone.
Skinny Dipping – There is something mysteriously liberating about being naked in a body of water. You are naked, but it feels natural, a sense of unrefined freedom.
Receiving a Real Letter or Package via Snail Mail – E-mail has become the primary source of written communication. Most snail mail these days is junk mail. When you check the mail and find a real letter or package from someone you know, excitement overtakes you as you tear into this rare gift.
Making the Yellow Light - It’s one of the most common simple pleasures, the act of beating the pack. As you blaze through the yellow light you glance in your rearview to see all the cars behind you stopping at the red light. Yes! You made it!
Telling a Funny or Interesting, True Story - One of the most enticing roles you lead in life is that of the storyteller. You love to share stories, especially those that will captivate your audience with deep curiosity and humor. There are few things more satisfying than telling a true story that others enjoy listening to.
Seeing a Friend Stumble Over Himself – As you walk across the street with your friend, he fails to accurately address the curb on the other side. He trips and stumbles around momentarily before regaining his footing, then swiftly attempts to play it off like nothing happened. This can be a hilarious sight if the moment is right.
Hearing the Right Song at the Right Moment - It doesn’t matter what the setting is, hearing the right song for that moment is one of those simple pleasures in life that instantly lifts your spirits. You could be driving home from work, hanging out at a bar with friends, or jogging. When the right song rattles your ear drums the entire meaning of life seems crystal clear.
The First Sip of a Beverage When You’re Thirsty – You just finished mowing the lawn or taking a long jog. The only thing on your mind is an ice-cold glass of water. When you are really, really thirsty, that first sip of any liquid beverage is sheer bliss.
Catching a Glimpse of Bare Skin on the Opposite Sex – For guys, it’s when the waitress bends over a little too far. For girls it’s seeing that buff guy in a Speedo. Either way, when you see a bit more skin than you were expecting on the opposite sex, you can’t help but to smirk on the inside.
Saying the Same Thing Simultaneously – There is a moment of silence. Then all of the sudden you and your friend blurt out the same exact set of words simultaneously. This rare occurrence is something to smile about.
The Pull-Through Parking Spot – You pull into a parking spot and are delighted to see the availability of the parking spot immediately in front of you. You pull through to the spot in front so that when you return to the car you can drive forward out of the parking spot. Why? Because driving backwards is a pain in the butt.
Realizing You Have More Time to Sleep – Something abruptly awakens you and you think it’s time to get up. Then you squint over at your alarm clock and realize you still have 2 more hours to sleep. A warm euphoric feeling shoots though your body as you glide gracefully back to your dreams.
People Watching – Sitting there on your bench you can see people in every direction. Tall people, small people, thin and plump. Blond, brunette, and redhead alike. Each of them has a different stride and a unique expression. As you drift from body to body you are mesmerized by what you see.
Putting On Clothes Straight from the Dryer – As soon as the dryer buzzes, you pull out your clothes and put them on. They feel soothingly warm on your skin and emit a fresh-scented aroma into the air. A sentiment of ease comes over you as you head out to conquer the day.
A Familiar Smell – You just pulled into your parent’s driveway and opened the car door. You haven’t been home in a long while. You smell familiarity in the air, the scent of a large pine tree in the neighbor’s yard. As you head through the front door, more familiar smells consume your senses. Gosh, it feels good to be home…
The Feeling You Get When Your Idea Works – You have been struggling to resolve a complex problem all day and you just can’t seem to get it right. Filled with frustration, you decide to exercise one last idea before calling it a night. You’ve had many ideas before that failed miserably… but this time it works.
Fresh, Clean Bed Sheets – You yank at the corner of the bedspread to create just enough space to slide your body under the freshly cleaned sheets. The sheets feel cool to the touch. Everything seems so clean, like nobody has ever slept in this bed before.
A Beautiful View – As the car veers around the side of the mountain you gaze out the passenger window. It’s a clear, sunny day and you can see the entire valley below filled with wild flowers and bright green vegetation. The scenery reminds you of something you once saw in National Geographic. But here it is live, right before your eyes.
Reminiscing About Old Times with Your Closest Friends – Pink Floyd once said “the memories of a man in his old age are the deeds of a man in his prime”. There is no simple pleasure more satisfying than recounting the greatest moments of your life with your closest friends who lived these moments alongside you.
Receiving an Unexpected Compliment – It’s been an average day. Nothing really great has happened, but nothing terrible occurred either. This monotonous day has put you in a dreary mood. Unexpectedly, an older, attractive lady taps you on the shoulder, calls you “handsome” and says she loves your shirt. The day just got a whole lot better.
Having a Good Laugh – Laughter is the greatest cure of all. Life is extraordinary in the moments when you are laughing so hard you can barely breathe. These moments of deep laughter are divine in the sense that they cleanse your mood and set your mind on a positive track.
The Feeling After a Healthy Workout - It’s a giddy feeling of self accomplishment; the one true activity that actually makes you feel better and look better simultaneously. When you walk out the front door of the gym you are on top of the world.
The Celebration in the Instant Something Makes Sense – Even now that it has explained to you for the third time, you just don’t understand how it works. Everyone else seems to understand but you. Then out of the blue the dots connect in your mind. You finally get it, and it feels great!
Relaxing Outdoors on a Sunny Day – As you relax sprawled out in a lawn chair, the sun warms your skin and a light breeze keeps the temperature comfortable. Birds are chirping merrily in the trees behind you. You are at complete peace with the environment.
Holding Hands with Someone You Love – Every time he grabs your hand you are overcome with an awareness of how much he means to you. Holding hands is sensual and physically intimate, yet subtle. There are few people you allow to hold your hand, so when it happens you can be sure that the moment is special.
Playing in the Water – Water marvels people of all ages. From jumping in puddles as a child, to doing cannon balls in the pool as an adolescent, to enjoying a cocktail in the Jacuzzi as an adult… water is enjoyable.
Making Someone Smile – You notice that your colleague has been under a great deal of stress with meeting a deadline, so you take it upon yourself to complete one of her indirect responsibilities for her. As soon as she realizes what you did, she comes into your office with a big smile on her face. “Thank you”, she says. You just hit two birds with one stone, because making her smile just made your day.
Finishing What You Started – You just finished up a big project you’ve been working on for the last few months, or maybe you just finished your first marathon… Either way, you finalized what you set out to accomplish. The feeling of self accomplishment you get when you finish what you started is by far one of the most rewarding simple pleasures life has to offer.
#31: being able to tie up your hair without an elastic #32: sleeping in your underwear #33: not checking the weather but walking outside and finding that you dressed completely appropriately #34: finding the common thread between you and someone else #35: getting text messages from people who saw something that reminded them of you
It has been so long. I am so ready to go to similarity. To comfort. It is my escape, and I am more than willing to run to it, with arms spread wide open.
I realized that being here in Irvine the past month and a couple of weeks has been so busy, so stressful. I enjoy a packed schedule with places to be, and people to see… but once in a while. I think I was raised, or possibly have conditioned myself, to think and act at a leisurely pace. (a/n I just got hit with anxiety again.)
This morning I was reading my little Buddhist booklet my mother gave to me, and there was an amazing quote in it. I wish I could remember but it went along the lines of ‘Things are _____ by the mind, thus the mind can change the _______’
Buh. Now, back to this stupid 8am Kraft and Cadbury Case Study with SPL. I am SO ready to go home.